Once upon a time, there is a monk who is living in a small village. But he feels the village is full of noise. He wants to meditate peacefully so he decided to visit a pond near the village to do meditation. He takes a boat and rows his boat in the middle of the pond and through his anchor there. He started meditating there for hours. He feels lots of peace there. Suddenly another boat came to him and it strikes his boat. The monk didn’t open his eyes but he becomes angry so much that why the driver of another boat becomes blind and clashes my boat to interrupt my meditation. But he continues to meditate. After a few minutes, the same boat clashes again with his boat. Now he becomes too angry and opens his eyes. He is just about to start shouting on boat driver but he got surprised that nobody is there and the boat is empty without any driver. It was a loose empty boat that got clash with monk’s boat by wandering here and there.
By this observation, the monk realizes that the anger is hidden within his mind. The empty boat only gave him a chance to come out. He realized that he himself had made him angry. When we say this person or this situation makes me angry then we are wrong. The right thing is you yourself made you angry. Any situation or person is like that empty boat and you yourself are like that monk.
The very first thing you need to realize before trying to control your anger is that YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR ANGER. Because being angry is a choice. Like if you got angry with your boss you still can’t say anything bad to him or shout on him. But if you got angry with your children or spouse then you started shouting on them. If you never accept that you can choose to be angry then you never gonna control it because your mind will think like it’s out of your control. It depends on people and situations.
KNOW WHAT IS ANGER? So the next thing you need to find out when you will become angry in your life. If you observe closely then you find that you will become angry when you got scared of something. In a general view, people look arrogant and proud while showing their anger but if you closely observe the things then you will find that they all are scared of something. If we take a few examples like few poor people got angry with rich people. They feel bad about their bank balance when they know about rich people’s bank account. Some people get jealous of beautiful people and become angry with them. Some people got angry because you are born in a certain community. This happens just because of some fears/insecurity people have in their minds. Whenever you become angry to ask yourself about your fears? If you find it hard then start writing about your feelings, this way you can understand yourself better. Writing forces you to give words to your feelings and you though deeply and understand your mind and thoughts that what’s going on in your mind.
FOCUS ON YOUR BREATH AND TRY TO CALM DOWN. Many people control their anger easily. But few people become uncontrolled while they got angry. Many times people say I could not stop myself to do….. Because I was so angry. This happens because anger is a form of energy. It creates too much energy and people become uncomfortable. If you learn how to manage this energy then I’m you can use it for yourself. The peak point of this situation arises when your mind can’t be able to think about anything. Like when you know your spouse has cheated on you and you become so much angry as your mind stopped working at that situation. In such kind of extreme situations, you should focus on your breath. Try to take a deep breath without thinking anything and focus on your breathing. Inhale 4 seconds then hold it for 6seconds then exhale 8 seconds. Keep reading this until you feel your mind is in your control.
SPEND THE ENERGY OF ANGER IN SOME WAY..after controlling your mind you should figure out what’s the best way for you to spend that energy. I use that energy in cleaning my house. Some people love listing loud music, walking, jogging, boxing or any kind of sport. Only you can know better what you like to do at that time which can be useful for you and not harmful to anyone else.
WORK ON THOSE PROBLEMS WHICH CAUSING YOU ANGER..whenever you become angry it shows any issue within your life which needs to be corrected. Suppose you become angry if someone calls you fatty. So think about it are you actually have a fatty body? Do you want to work on it or you have no problem with fat? If you don’t have any problems with that or you don’t care about that then accept it and move on. If you are conscious about your weight and working on it then also you should move on and keep working on it. If you are conscious but doing nothing then start working on yourself. This is the best way to find out the cause and try to remove it.
If someone breaks your personal boundary then you can also become angry in your relationship or with friends. Whenever you become angry with your friend or with a partner etc then try to figure out which boundaries are tried to broke by them. After that try to know is the boundary is valid or not? Try to talk and solve the matter with conversation peacefully. Sometimes you will find that your boundaries are not realistic and you need to fix something in your behavior. Even all if you sometimes say bad words or do something bad then always apologize with a person for your wrong behavior and never repeat you’re bad actions again.
By this observation, the monk realises that the anger is hidden within his mind. The empty boat only gave him a chance to come out. He realised that he himself had made him angry. When we say this person or this situation make me angry then we are wrong. The right thing is you yourself made you angry. Any situation or person is like that empty boat and you yourself is like that monk.
The very first thing you need to realise before trying to control your anger is that YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR ANGER. Because being angry is a choice. Like if you got angry on your boss you still can’t say anything bad to him or shout on him. But if you got angry on your children or spouse then you started shouting on them. If you never accept that you can choose to be angry then you never gonna control it because your mind will think like it’s out of your control. It depends upon people and situations.
KNOW WHAT IS ANGER? So the next thing you need to find out when you will become angry in your life. If you observe closely then you find that you will become angry when you got scared of something. In general view, people look arrogant and proud while showing their anger but if you closely observe the things then you will find that they all are scared of something. If we take a few examples like few poor people got angry on rich people. They feel bad about their bank balance when they know about rich people’s bank account. Some people get jealous of beautiful people and become angry on them. Some people got angry because of you born in a certain community. This happens just because of some fears/insecurity people have in their mind. Whenever you become angry ask yourself about your fears? If you find it hard then start writing about your feelings, this way you can understand yourself better. Writing forces you to give words to your feelings and you though deeply and understand your mind and thoughts that what’s going on in your mind.
FOCUS ON YOUR BREATH AND TRY TO CALM DOWN. Many people control their anger easily. But few people become uncontrolled while they got angry. Many time people say I could not stop myself to do….. Because I was so angry. This happens because anger is a form of energy. It creates too much energy and people become uncomfortable. If you learn how to manage this energy then I’m you can use it for yourself. The peak point of this situation arises when your mind can’t be able to think about anything. Like when you know your spouse has cheated on you and you become so much angry as your mind stopped working at that situation. In such kind of extreme situations, you should focus on your breath. Try to take a deep breath without thinking anything and focus on your breathing. Inhale 4 seconds then hold it for 6seconds then exhale 8 seconds. Keep reading this until you feel your mind is in your control.
SPEND THE ENERGY OF ANGER IN SOME WAY..after controlling your mind you should figure out what’s the best way for you to spend that energy. I use that energy in cleaning my house. Some people love listing loud music, walking, jogging, boxing or any kind of sport. Only you can know better what you like to do at that time which can be useful for you and not harmful for anyone else.
WORK ON THOSE PROBLEMS WHICH CAUSING YOU ANGER..whenever you become angry it shows any issue within your life which needs to be corrected. Suppose you become angry if someone calls you fatty. So think about it are you actually have a fatty body? Do you want to work on it or you have no problem with fat? If you don’t have any problems with that or you don’t care about that then accept it and move on. If you are conscious about your weight and working on it then also you should move on and keep working on it. If you are conscious but doing nothing then start working on yourself. This is the best way to find out the cause and try to remove it.
If someone breaks your personal boundary then you can also become angry in your relationship or with friends. Whenever you become angry with your friend or with a partner etc then try to figure out which boundaries are tried to broke by them. After that try to know is the boundary is valid or not? Try to talk and solve the matter with conversation peacefully. Sometimes you will find that your boundaries are not realistic and you need to fix something in your behavior. Even all if you sometimes say bad words or do something bad then always apologize with a person for your wrong behavior and never repeat you’re bad actions again.
Invest In Yourself First!! 
This is exactly how I try to help my child with his anger management issues.
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Good luck 👍👍managing with a child need lots of patience.
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